Distribution Issues, Missing Deliveries and Broken Promises

Things have not gone to plan.

A simple, hard truth is a lot more difficult to swallow than a sweet tasting lie.

We have all of us been deceived. It turns out that the corporate landscape that comes with the territory of the brewing game is a tough one to play, especially when half of the employees in your factory are caught up in their own twisted games of blackmail and corruption. Over a year ago now we were honoured to have the most Excellent Grand Inquisitor, David Shemmington, come to our factory to take charge of an investigation into our employees.

At the time, our operation had suffered it’s first major setback, an explosion caused us to cease production for a number of months – this cost us thousands, but that initial loss is peanuts, when compared to the price that we paid the Grand Inquisitor to come and unearth the disloyal members of our group. After hundreds of intensive interviews that ran for nearly a month and left thirty employees unable to work for the rest of the year, we were no closer to discovering the cause of the explosion. The Grand Inquisitor is considered the best in the business, if there were any corporate conspiracies being bandied about then he would have discovered them.

Despite Shemmington coming up empty handed, we were contractually obliged to pay his company his retainer. Our workforce had been thoroughly shaken by the experience, as a result, many of our supervisors were reporting low motivation amongst the lower ranks.

The first sign that things were starting to go really wrong was the broken security cameras. There were over 300 cameras installed on the premises when we first started producing beer, more than the average factory.

Why so many, you ask?

It’s not that we don’t trust our employees, it’s that the secrets to our Ale and Diet Ale are simply too precious to risk losing to our competitors. It soon became apparent that the threat of company secrets being disseminated within the industry was real and it was our own employees, clearly somewhat jilted by their collective experience with the Grand Inquisitor, that were the ones leaking secrets.

Within a month of the Inquisitor leaving more than half of the security cameras has been smashed, disconnected or spray painted. If we’d been operating under normal circumstances, we would have simply replaced them, but due to the low capital that we were running on at the same time, all we could do was replace them with fake replicas and hope that they would deter our employees from engaging in any further forms of sabotage.

It didn’t work.

So much good will had been eroded between the upper echelons of the company and the factory grunts (apparently being referred to as ‘grunts’ was one of the reasons they revolted in the first place) that thousands of litres of Mayflower Ale and Diet Ale somehow never made it onto the distribution trucks. The resulting missed deliveries caused us to breach contract with several major retailers, which has left us in the position we are in today…

Bankrupt, rueing our chances and so damn thirsty.

Drink Domination – Big Macs, Ale and Internet Marketing

Mayflower’s aims are not small scale by any means.

In fact quite the opposite is true, we aim to completely flatten our competitors in the process until the only ale you will be able to buy is ours.

By stating our intentions from the get-go we hope to gain favour with our customer base and make them realise that, in a few years when the only ale option is our Ale, they will feel like they have made the decision of their own accord. Our Ale will taste instantly familiar and comforting. Just like the Big Mac, whose safe, delicious flavour is universally adored thousands of times over a day, the world over – drinking our Ale will make you feel like you’re home.

We have no plan in over-stretching our resources or attempting to simply spam the world with our product and message.

No. For Mayflower Brewery, our plan is and always will be, a slow-burn subliminal slide into the subconscious of every man, woman and child. Not that we want children drinking our Ale, we just need them to be thinking about drinking our Ale, ideally before they even know that they want to drink.

This kind of long game plan requires a mixture of marketing techniques, that slowly start spreading the seeds of ideas in thousands of minds. Through the use of internet marketing techniques, SEO and the likes, we can start populating certain search terms with subtle advertisements of our product and brand.

To test our methods, it will be necessary to begin on a small scale.

No need to run before we can walk. A preliminary test campaign of SEO in Liverpool would be a good place to start. Our research has indicated that the English city has a great fondness for ale, but also a strong habit of adopting new brands. A combination of internet marketing and celebrity product placements, in conjunction with introductory offers in super markets and popular bars, should help lodge the brand in the city’s consciousness.

After this, we shall need to take a step back from marketing, SEO and radio adverts. In order to assess the success of our indoctrination, we’ll need to see how many loyal customers purchase our product when they are no longer being prompted to through advertisement.

liv hilton

If we have been successful, then Ale will have become the most popular alcoholic drink in Liverpool, within the space of two years.

Our novelty sized 330ml cans should be in the tense grips of first year students at University, pints should be in the shaky confused fists of the older generations and our 660ml bottles should gather in the shadowy depths of the parks and alleys. Once you achieve this kind of widespread popularity in once city, it won’t be long until the wild fire spreads.

At first it will be perceived as a quirky minimalistic upstart from the North, then more people will try it and enjoy, and spread the word until the whole country is engulfed in its hoppy glory.

All it takes is the toppling of one city, and we will have the world by its throat, ready to drown it in our generic Ale.

Return to Production – The Hunt Begins

With the installation of our new equipment now complete, we’re back in business.

But just because we’re back to brewing doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned our rat hunt.

As soon as the machines were switched back on, the employees returned to work and our Grand Inquisitor could begin his company-wide investigation.

Due to the rigorous nature of his Excellence’s methods, we thought it would be a good idea to introduce him here on our blog, so that our investors, board members and employees could get an idea of the man behind the job. 

Who is the Grand Inquisitor?

David Shemmington has been a Corporate Lawyer & Investigative Enforcer for the best part of two decades.

david shemmington

His kind smile and genial nature often leads others into assuming that he is somehow weak or naive – they could not be more wrong. Having overseen a whole host of aggressive takeovers, as well as successfully cleansing several unnameable multi-nationals, David is renowned for his utter ruthlessness and intellectual guile.

What kind of questions will he ask me?

That, we’re afraid, is for the Grand Inquisitor to know and for you to find out.


Understandably, it would be redundant for us to tell our employees and board members what his Excellency will be asking in advance. Rest assured, the Grand Inquisitor has a reputation for asking seemingly unrelated questions, in a manner of nonchalance, that will lead you in to a false sense of security.

Is questioning/interrogation mandatory for all employees?

There should be no reason for all our employees to be interrogated.

torture chair

However, should you be approached by the Grand Inquisitor and selected for testing – then you will be required either to consent or to hand in your resignation. At Mayflower Brewery we prize employee loyalty above all else, we expect each and every one of our employees to be able to tell us anything and everything.

How long will it take me to recover from a meeting with his Excellence?


Any employee summoned for testing and judgement will be granted a whole half-day of unpaid leave to recover from the ordeal.

Although the Staff Physiotherapist is currently fully booked, due to the collateral damage left in the wake of last year’s espionage crisis, it’s important to remember that those employees are unlikely to survive another round of interrogation, so there should be plenty of new spaces opening up soon

Although we understand that the Grand Inquisitor’s coming has been much feared for the last few weeks – we’d like to take this time to remind you that there is no need to be afraid, unless you have something to hide. 



A Minor Hiccup On The Road To Domination

There’s been a small business related incident in one of our factories.


Thankfully there have been zero fatalities, even though a small number of engineers have been hit with some minor injuries.

For the first time over 3 years, we have had to cease production of Ale. Although most businesses would see this as a serious blow to sales (especially since our otherwise excellent summer) we are approaching this incident as an opportunity to grow as a company.

The small explosion has all but obliterated half of our main production line – at the moment it is unclear as to how this came to be (corporate sabotage has been bandied about as a theory), but we are determined to discover the cause soon enough.

For the mean time, rigorous interior interviews are being conducted of all our staff, domestic as well as corporate. We cannot afford to have a rat in our system, especially if the rat is a metaphorical rat – as in a real person who has infiltrated the company for nefarious purposes, rather than an actual rodent (which would still not be good, when you consider Health & Safety Standards).

Street-ratOnce we have discovered the rat (metaphorical or otherwise) we will be able to squeeze the rodent for every ounce of information that he has, before dropping it thoroughly desiccated into the waste.

As soon as we are aware of the source of our problems we can work on fixing the plant and preparing our security for any future attacks on our great corporation. For the time being, we’ll be lifting brand new electric motors and industrial extractor fans into the factory. Although we can’t be certain, cross pollination of gases might well have been the source of the explosion.

Either way, it can never be a bad idea to install some brand new gear to the production line. We will be doubling down on costs this month, but our work should pay dividends when we have the factory back up and running at twice the efficiency.

Thankfully, we still have a great deal of stock on hand to distribute to our sellers so we should be able to keep a relatively consistent flow of the product to the general public.

Our first real set back as a company shall become the stepping stone to a new successful future.

Beer Sales Skyrocket In Summer

Summer time is a wonderful time for our brand.

beerMuch like soft drinks companies, we often see a big boost in our sales over British Summer Time. This Summer has been no different. Although the weather got off to a bit of a damp start this year. things have picked up and, thanks to our successful launch of Diet Ale, sales have been increasing week on week.

We’ve recently started pushing our cans and micro-cans to smaller retailers, such as corner shops and convenience stores. Although you would assume it would be relatively easy to sell new products to smaller stores, you would be wrong. Often these small stores have got historical buying routes into the industry, allowing them to purchase the products they know they can sell at a cheaper price than usual.

FOT1189626What we have had to do, is force our Ale and Diet Ale into these sellers hands at a reduced rate, this has allowed them to pass on the savings to these small shops and push us ahead (at least for a brief amount of time) of their usual low-price brands. Now, obviously we would not want the fine Mayflower name to be tarnished by being sold as a ‘cheapo’ lager to degenerates. The plan is to sell this beer to the convenience stores as a ‘high brand luxury item’ for them to then sell the product on at a reduced rate.

Once the smart consumers, spotting a quality brand at a low price, exhaust the stock in the convenience stores – the owners will be clamouring for more, which we sell to them…at a much higher rate of course.

It might sound a little callous but, at the end of the day, all we are really doing is providing more and more people with one of the most popular (and generic) beers on the marketplace. Our prices are reasonable and our quality is (relatively) high.

Our march is never ending – we will dominate all markets.

Mayflower will rise.

Beer and Ice Sculptures – Creating Glacial Art

When most people consider ice sculptures, their minds wander far afield to comedy sketches and sitcoms…


‘The ice sculptures they were creating for weddings and parties were simply astounding…’

…where an appointment is missed and all that remains of the impressive artwork is a large puddle on the floor – comic mishaps then ensue.

However, this would be doing an injustice to the artistry and professionalism required to run a successful ice sculpture company. When launching our first sister product to our flagship beer Ale®, Mayflower decided to throw a party at our headquarters in order to create some buzz and excitement. Sales of our original flavour product had been rising significantly month on month, and the resounding agreement was that a diet version would be the product that would have the most success in the marketplace.

After an intense 4-weeks of focus-grouping; with our graphic design team working around the clock to create something bland, non-offensive (and yet instantly recognisable and unforgettable) – a brand was settled upon and the date of the launch night was set. Our lead PR maestro, Jessica Sakawa-Phillips, had the unenviable task of organising the party. Here’s her take on what she wanted to achieve:

“Putting together a schedule for what would be the biggest event in the company’s history, was a daunting task. Dancing girls, celebrity guests and the obligatory mountain of sausage rolls would all be present; but I wanted to organise something spectacular that would blow away our guests. That’s when I came across Glacial Art. The fabulous ice sculptures they were creating for weddings and parties were simply astounding and I knew something like that would really elevate our launch night to something spectacular.”


‘Our lead PR maestro, Jessica Sakawa-Phillips…’

There was only one requirement we made of them; we asked for the entire sculpture to be formed out of our new Diet Ale® and for the sculpture to resemble out signature cylindrical shaped 330ml can. They replied saying that this was in fact a very simple effect to achieve, and whether we would like to think of anything more outside the box. We decided to stick with the original plan, not wishing to rock the boat and remembering the overall aim of our company to become as globally ubiquitous and uniform as our inspirations Coca-Cola and McDonalds. The ice sculpture arrived on time, perfectly formed and was greeted with a chorus of subdued murmurs and polite comments, in other words: it made just the right impact.

The rest, you’re probably aware, is history. Once the dust had settled, with the dancing girls returned to their pens and the remaining sausage rolls fed to the pigs; Diet Ale® had been established as the premier light-version of everyone’s favourite beer. Through the hard work and effort of people like Miss. Sakawa-Phillips and the wonderful team at Glacial Art we had pulled off the launch party of the century and set Mayflower Brewery on a path of certain global domination.


‘…with the dancing girls returned to their pens and the remaining sausage rolls fed to the pigs; Diet Ale® had been established as the premier light-version of everyone’s favourite beer.’

One Company, One Brewery, One Ale.

Brewing for us is not a job, its not a hobby and its not just a simple commercial enterprise.

For over 15 years, our development teams, factory workers and administration department have been hard at work.

They have been crafting an award winning brand that will not only resonate with the consumer, but will stand the test of time for centuries to come. At Mayflower Brewery we are attempting to make history by creating the world’s favourite ale. Unlike many independent breweries, who design their beverages and brands to appeal to one particular demographic, at Mayflower we recognise the growing proliferation of real ales in the global marketplace and have decided to create one unifying product family that will appeal to as many, if not all, of the ale drinkers in the world as possible.


‘Gone will be the days of multitudes of farcically branded beers and ales, and one drink, our product, will reign supreme.’

Simplicity and recognisability is key when it comes to product branding. All mega-sized corporations, such as McDonalds and Coca-Cola can be recognised by their colour scheme and fonts alone. Our capable team of graphic designers have been working tirelessly to create a visual fingerprint for the company. By giving our brewery the best chance possible at making a lasting impact on our loyal customer base, we’ll be putting us ahead of our competitors in terms of marketability. In decades time, just like when you can ask a vendor casually for a Coke®, you’ll be able to ask for an Ale and you will always receive our product. Gone will be the days of multitudes of farcically branded beers and ales, and one drink, our product, will reign supreme.

dumb beer

‘We will give our beers and ales quirky names like ‘Portland Quibbler’ and ‘Old Man Toby’, to attract the casual buyer.’

For now though, we are just one of many independent start up companies. For now we will play by the rules, attend conventions and beer festival and greet our competitors with a smile and a wave. We will give our beers and ales quirky names like ‘Portland Quibbler’ and ‘Old Man Toby’, to attract the casual buyer. Selections of these unique ales (which will all taste suspiciously similar) will be boxed and packaged for sale during the Christmas season and around Father’s Day to entice unimaginative purchasers.

All the while, our brand will go in strength, the delicious yet uniform taste of our micro-brews ingraining themselves into the public consciousness until there will be only one – Ale®.

The Great Return

For most commentators on beer and beer culture we are going through a period invariably dubbed the ‘Craft beer revival’ or ‘the growth of craft beer’, wherein something called ‘craft beer culture’ is growing around the world.

To us beer lovers though, those of us who are actually part of this ‘phenomenon’ we are simply enjoying drinking more beer and better beer than we ever have before!


It is certainly true that we are in a fantastic time.